As a victim of abuse, recent incidents cause me to feel sick.
Written by Lux Alftraum. Author of “Faking This: The Truths women tell about Sex and the truths they Detain.”
In the last year, it’s almost impossible to keep a lid on the drama that is unfolding among Kanye West (now called Ye), Kim Kardashian, and Pete Davidson (trust me, I’ve tried). The first time, Kardashian filed for divorce from Ye in January 2021. In the following year, Kardashian and Davidson started dating in the fall of 2021. In the months following Ye as well as Kardashian’s divorce process were drawing to an end, the rapper started making more threatening remarks about Kardashian and Davidson as well as listing both as being on an official “beef checklist” and also featuring a Davidson model being kidnapped, then killed in the song “Eazy.”
Much of the drama has unfolded on Instagram, culminating with Ye being temporarily barred by the platform for violating the rules against bullying and hate speech. On Saturday, Ye was banned from performing during the Grammy Awards for “concerning online conduct.” Before his ban, however, a series of screenshots purporting to show the text message exchange among Davidson and Ye was posted on the Instagram feed of one of Davidson’s close friends. The conversation begins with Davidson dissing Ye for expressing open criticism of his ex-wife’s parenting abilities and pointing out Kim Kardashian is “literally the best mom I’ve ever known,” Ye is fortunate to have her as the mom of his children. Davidson states that the time has come to “done being silent” and vows not to let West treat them both like this anymore. When Ye asks which location Davidson has gone, he replies with a photo of at-shirtless himself lying in bed, claiming that it’s “in the bed together with wife.”
The media has reported that the exchange is portrayed as a “defense” against Kardashian and her boyfriend fighting back against her alleged abuser, ex. On Twitter, victims of abuse have said it was “sexy,” a joyful moment for another victim to receive the protective, loving partner she deserves.
As a survivor, I did not feel that in any way. On the contrary, the whole thing caused me to feel sick.
Eighteen years ago, when I first broke free of my abuser, I could have had a different perspective. Instead, I grew up in a time of survivor-revenge fantasies such as “Foxfire,” which positioned brutally taking on an abusive partner as the best method to get over the trauma. I also believed that the most effective remedy for a bad boyfriend was a faithful lover who was able to slam his abuser and then stand for me. It was the height of love.
However, I began to feel that my feelings began to shift over time. Some time ago, I confided in my spouse about how men brutally abused me previously. He quickly responded by saying that the revelation of brutality made him want to take on these guys. It was meant to be a way to feel safe and taken care of. But instead, it made me feel uncomfortable.
I attribute this shift in my outlook on life to a few various factors. In the last two decades, retribution has not been a catalyst for healing or healing, nor did “getting to be even” with my abusive partner. The most effective thing is getting away from him and having the courage to live my life completely free from the shadow of his snare. If your partner is swaying ex via text messages, most likely, it isn’t going to give you the freedom. Instead, it could encourage your ex to interact with you even more, especially as contrary to what many believe, most abusive people aren’t scared of insults or even physical violence. They’re encouraged by their abusers.
After all, Kardashian is already permanently connected to Ye via their sons. So she doesn’t require anything to add the fuel to an already dangerous co-parenting conflict.
Two decades of being as a survivor of abuse have taught me that it’s the people who are the most defensive when they hear about my abusive ex or any other males who have brutally assaulted me — ones who would like to “stand in my defense” by threatening them isn’t the ones who are most loyal to me and most willing to respect me and my boundaries. The majority of times, they’ve been those with issues of anger who view my abuser as a secure, appropriate target of their anger. This is a huge warning sign.
And that friend who wanted to take on my abuser from the past? Unfortunately, the relationship didn’t end on favorable terms. Our last conversation was a particularly tense fight which left me feeling humiliated to have believed that someone could be “on the other side.”
Getting out of an abusive relationship is a difficult task, and those who have been through it need every assistance and support they receive. From personal experience, trying to sway or denigrate the abuser could mean being with them according to their own rules. It’s not necessarily a way to break this cycle. In addition, it won’t aid many survivors to break free.